I've been thankful that there has been more and more written about what is helpful and unhelpful to say to a chronically ill friend or family member. As for myself, I am still learning! Sometimes I say things to sick friends that are too bossy, too "helpful", making too many assumptions. Often my friends and family are wonderful, but sometimes they aren't, or someone I barely know will make an infuriating statement or suggestion.
So I'd like to start a conversation about this, because I am not prepared to write something comprehensive. Here are some feedback based on my experience:
Excellent general rule - listen and ask thoughtful questions way more than you talk or make suggestions. This works for almost every situation in life, so you can't go wrong. Two ears, one mouth - it's not an accident.
Negativity - If your sick friend is really negative, listen and sympathize. I know I feel really listened to when I hear "I'm just so sorry you have to deal with this, it's so unfair." If it starts to feel unbalanced and whiny to you, don't start in with suggestions. Maybe try -" that sounds so damn hard. I'm happy to listen if that's what you need, but I'm wondering - do you feel like you have the resources you need to tackle this? Is there something I have the ability to help you with?" Maybe they need help organizing their medications, or cleaning their house, or something else you can actually be helpful with. Maybe they just need someone to hear them out and to be that person who understands the depths of their challenges.
Great Ideas 1 - If some diet or supplement or lifestyle change has helped you feel better, be happy but not pushy. Chances are pretty good the person you're listening to has heard of it if they have been sick for a while. Sick people tend to develop the hobby of researching how to get well. Feel free to celebrate your own success in feeling better - I love to hear about successes! - but approach it from the point of view of "I'm so lucky I found this thing that helped me so much with x. I know the search is complicated and hard, and maybe there isn't always a solution, but I really hope one day you find more things that help you."
Great Ideas 2 - If some diet or supplement or lifestyle change appeals to you because you just read something really awesome about it -great! Feel free to tell me about it. But like this - "hey, I just read about this x thing, and I'm wondering if it would help me. I know you've tried a lot of things to get better and I'm wondering if you have any experience with it." Or maybe like this "Wow! I just read about x and I'm so excited to try it because I think it will help me with y. Then I got to thinking - you must run into ideas like this all the time that you think will help. How do you decide what to try and what to not bother with?"
Withdrawal - Haven't seen much of your sick friend lately? Invited them to happy hour and to see this great band and they never come? Ask them what you can do. Tell them you miss them. For some people, withdrawal is survival - they can only manage a very limited amount of social time. If you are not in their inner circle, visiting with you may be just too much. For others, they would love to see you, but it has to be structured in a way that they can manage. So tell them you're not sure what they are capable of, but you miss them and you'd like to be a part of their lives. Is it best if you just send check-in texts/emails? Phone calls? Are some visits ok? Would they like to be invited to social events in case they can come (with carte blanche permission to not show up), or would they rather not?
Those are my starting ideas. It seems like they all come down to - don't make assumptions that lead you to be "helpful" in unhelpful ways. You probably have little understanding of that person's experience unless you have taken the time to learn about it from them. They are probably experts in their illness, and they need you to be their friend, not their savior.
Any thoughts?
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